How Many American Soldiers Have Died in the Middle East?

The American news media reports war casualties on a near-hourly basis, so you'd think that the American public would have easy access to accurate statistics about military deaths in Iraq and the other Middle Eastern conflicts. But, as it turns out, it's hard to get a straight answer.

Although many sources were releasing figures in the 4,300 range back in 2009, some believe that number was kept artificially low. The George W. Bush administration decided to tally casualties only if a soldier died with boots on the ground in a combat situation. This means that if a soldier died while being transported to a medical facility or while being treated at a hospital, his/her death was not counted as a casualty of the conflict. And since our evacuation capabilities are quite advanced, many, many more people died en route to or during treatment for their injuries.

A report released by the Department of Veterans affairs in 2007 stated that nearly 74,000 Americans were killed during Gulf War actions between 1990 and 2007. That's tens of thousands more than the 58,195 reported casualties from the Vietnam War. But that report began counting far earlier than most, back when George H.W. Bush was in office and sending troops to Kuwait. Wikipedia maintains that only 4,491 U.S. military personnel died between 2003 and 2010, the time period that most people consider to encompass the “Second Gulf War.”

And, of course, American military personnel have also been fighting in other areas of the Middle East, many of them in Afghanistan. Obama administration reports say that 2,325 U.S. soldiers had died in action as of October 2015, but a staggering 20,083 were wounded while fighting in Afghanistan. And it's hard to tell if the current administration is sticking to the boots-on-the-ground tally method, or owning up to deaths that occurred en-route to or during medical care.

These deaths are tragic, and the idea that there may be more of them to mourn than we will ever know for sure is infuriating. But many of the injured service-people are the ones who continue to suffer even after they've returned home from violent conflict. The 2007 report stated that a horrifying 1,620,906 disability claims were filed by Gulf War veterans, and thousands upon thousands more have filed in the decade that followed. Many are also attempting to get by without disability pay, relying on their loved ones for support and care, sometimes for life-changing injuries.

In many cases, this means wives and spouses who are thrust into caregiving roles the moment their warriors return from battle. These partners are unspeakably relieved that their beloved soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines weren't added to the long (if confusingly tallied) lists of lost lives … but they often have no idea how to cope with the injured and altered versions of their husbands and wives who've returned home to them.

It is essential that we honor the brave women and men who gave their lives protecting our freedom in these brutal and seemingly endless Middle East conflicts. I hope, though, that you'll remember to pay your respects to the injured warriors who returned to us, and the admirably brave caregivers who stand with them. We may never know for sure how many American fighters have died in Iraq and Afghanistan, but we certainly that the ones who came home wounded have sacrificed and suffered. And that both they and the loved ones who keep them healthy and well are heroes living in our midst.

A Time for Compassion

Compassion is a recurring theme in my work with the wives of wounded warriors. I've watched dozens of women care for injured spouses who are severely disabled and angry about it, grappling with the demons of post-traumatic stress, in need of around-the-clock care and despondent at their new lot in life. In these families, compassion isn't optional, it's a matter of survival. Without sympathy, patience, kindness, and care, marriages would dissolve in tears and screams. Husbands and wives would lose hold of each other and drift apart.

And, of course, some do. The life of a spouse to a wounded veteran is tough and trying on a daily basis, and some simply can't hack it. But I've met many more women who draw on their own stores of compassion again and again to keep their husbands safe and healthy, their families happy and well.

Turn on the news for 10 seconds and you'll realize that compassion isn't flowing everywhere in our country right now. Every day brings a fresh report of violence between police and black citizens, a new story about the deep ravines of mistrust dividing regular people from a governing body designed to protect them. Police officers are on high-alert, acutely aware that the black community as a whole is angry at and afraid of them. Black Americans live in constant terror of cops who might make assumptions, act in fear, shoot too quickly, and end their lives. Both groups are unsure how to react, how to rebuild, how to regain trust. Both groups also seem to be unable to access compassion for those standing on the other side of this fraught and horrifying crisis. These two groups of people aren't just divided by beliefs or preferences, they are divided by dread, panic, terror, and suspicion. Even if anyone were able to locate an olive branch, would a single representative from either side be brave enough to present it?

In some ways, the compassion needed to construct a happy, healthy life with a wounded warrior is different from the compassion needed to heal the rift between American cops and black American civilians. But in others, it's quite similar. Here are lessons that could apply to both situations:

Anger and fear should be met with patience.

As any wounded warrior's wife will tell you, reacting to an angry outburst or rush of terror with more anger or fear just aggravates the situation. Serenity and patience, calm words and the presence of mind to wait out the storm are much better remedies. When police patrol-people encounter angry, fearful black citizens, they must work hard to be patient, quiet, understanding. And when black citizens are confronted by angry, fearful cops, we can only hope that being calm and following orders will keep the situation from spiraling out of control. This may not always work, as last week's incident that killed Philando Castille proves. But to decide that Castille's death means patience will NEVER work can only lead to further chaos.

Listen. Even when it's hard to listen.

In a family with an injured veteran, there may be stretches of silence that last months or years. But when that wounded warrior is ready to talk, it's essential that family members listen. Even if what's being said is excruciating to hear. At this point, many black citizens feel they are not being listened to by the police who have been hired and trained to keep them safe. There will be a lot of fury and rage in any rhetoric from either side, but if no one is willing to listen, no progress can be made.

Do your best to see the other side.

When a wife and her injured husband disagree, it's easy for the wife to slip into feelings of superiority. She shoulders the responsibility, handles the decisions, knows best. But for relationships to survive, both spouses must attempt to see through each others' eyes. This tactic will likely be challenging, since both sides see little evidence of reasonable or respectful behavior. But if people from both groups refuse to acknowledge that they are ALL wedged between a rock and a hard place, they will fail to come together to work on a mutually beneficial solution.

Tolerance, mercy, and empathy are in short supply right now, and understandably so. It may be a long time before police officers and black Americans are ready to sit down together and hash out their differences. But if both groups can take a page out of the wounded warriors wives' book – if both can make small efforts toward understanding and compassion in the interim – they have a far better chance of reaching a peaceful, respectful solution together.

Hearts of Valor Retreat for Wives of Wounded Warriors

Please note that you MUST be a member of our Hearts of Valor(TM) program in order to register for the retreat. If you are NOT yet a member, please join our community by clicking here.  

Upcoming Retreat

Caregivers will learn about PTSD, Compassion Fatigue, Intimacy, Benefits, Healthy Living, and how to develop a network of support. We will be hosting our 2016 retreat at the Embassy Suites Hotel in Denver, Colorado.

September 21-24th 2016
Embassy Suites
Denver, Colorado
7525 East Hampden Avenue
Denver, Colorado, 80231

Call 210-202-1266 for questions about the retreat.

Apply today! Application closes at 11:59pm CST on July 21, 2016.

The Embassy Suites in Southeast Denver is right outside of downtown and nestled between Cherry Creek Lake and a panorama of the beautiful Colorado mountains known as the 14ers. The hotel is newly renovated with a beautiful atrium, indoor swimming pool and whirlpool, and offers daily complimentary drinks and snacks during Evening Reception.

Risk, Reward, and Living Creatively

A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to attend aworkshop with bestselling author Elizabeth Gilbert on learning to live a creative life. In her iconic bestseller, Eat, Pray, Love, Gilbert explores how the traditional markers of success – marriage, money, a thriving career – don't always bring happiness, especially to artists and creators. My own life story had some similar themes, which I shared in my first book, Unbridled: A Memoir, and I was eager to learn from someone with whom I had so much in common.

But what Gilbert told and taught us surprised me. 

I fully expected to hear her muse on muses, and offer some practical advice on kick-starting creative processes, but what I didn't expect was her honesty. Especially about results and reactions and the importance of letting go.

She talked about her life after Eat, Pray, Love, and how challenging it was to write again. Just think: You've written a runaway bestseller that virtually everyone in the known universe has read. Money and praise are pouring in, the movie deal is inked, and you are on every talk show in the nation. Your agent is dying to get a new manuscript from you … but you're terrified that you'll never write anything even remotely readable ever again! Some people might ride that wave of success, believing it was wholly deserved and utterly normal, and continue to crank out books secure in the belief that they'd succeed. But most of us mere mortals would be stricken with anxiety. 

Gilbert also discussed this concept in her TED Talk, where she goes on to give some enlightening examples of how successful creatives have dealt with this upsetting roadblock. Most of them have learned to release some of the pressure they put on themselves by focusing on the process instead of the product. They've learned the hard way that there's no way to control how people react to your art and there's no foolproof formula for creative success. So you've just gotta put in the hours, work hard, do your best, pour your heart into your labors, and detach. Don't allow yourself to hope for or cherish any specific result. Create, release, breathe. Move on.

When I began writing my next book, Wounded Warrior, Wounded Wife – which will be released this coming fall – I tried to hold Gilbert's advice in my mind. The project was so important to me, and I was keenly aware that dozens of wives of wounded veterans had generously shared their stories with me. I wanted to make them proud, make sure their voices were finally heard, create a book that could change the world for the better. But when I focused on those ideas, it became hard to keep going. The worry would creep in and I'd get hung up on creating something that was “good enough” or “worthy” instead of being open and honest and allowing the book to unfold naturally. It was hard work, long work. But remembering what I'd learned, I showed up to do that work every day, poured my heart and soul into it, and did my best to focus on the process of creation instead of any future outcomes.

I'm so proud of Wounded Warrior, Wounded Wife, though I'll admit that now I'm a bit anxious again about how it may be received. But I'm confident that I wrote a book I can be proud of, and a book that compassionately and accurately represents these brave women. I created the book I wanted to create. Now I have to step back, release, breathe, and move on.

Even if you aren't in a creative profession, I think Gilbert's advice can still be absolutely life-changing. We live in a results-obsessed culture that often overlooks the value of process. And when it comes to our relationships, our work, our health, our families, our art, our very lives, we must learn to hold contradictions in our minds as we move forward. When we think about “creating a life we want,” we may think of marriage, money, a thriving career. But as Gilbert proved, those things may not matter. Happiness is elusive, but also specific: What makes you happy might make me miserable. Which means crafting a rewarding, fulfilling life is entirely up to each of us. The life we want may not involve marriage or money or a thriving career. It might just as easily be one in which we do everything with passion and enthusiasm, do our absolute best. whenever we can, and then release, breathe, and move on.

Synthetic Happiness and Post-traumatic Growth

Is there anyone in your life who seems predisposed to unshakable happiness? You know the type, someone who always sees a silver lining on every dark cloud and manages to pull herself out of crises with the brightest of smiles? It's easy to look at people like that and feel both confusion and all-consuming envy. After all, they've clearly got some mental wiring that the rest of us normal folks are lacking. Right?

Wrong.

Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert has been researching happiness for decades, and uncovered some startling findings. His lab discovered that human beings have a natural equilibrium that helps us come down from major highs, but also bounce back from devastating lows. For instance, he found that a year after winning the lotto, lottery winners and paraplegics are equally happy with their lives. 

In his 2004 TED Talk, he tells the audience, "From field studies to laboratory studies, we see that winning or losing an election, gaining or losing a romantic partner, getting or not getting a promotion, passing or not passing a college test, on and on, have far less impact, less intensity and much less duration than people expect them to have. ... Human beings have something that we might think of as a 'psychological immune system.' A system of cognitive processes, largely non-conscious cognitive processes, that help them change their views of the world, so that they can feel better about the worlds in which they find themselves."

Gilbert maintains - and his research backs this up - that all human beings have the same brain machinery, and the same ability to drum up what he's termed "synthetic happiness." Think of it this way: You get your dream job, that guy you're crushing on finally notices you, you publish your first book, things go exactly as you hoped they would. These events create "natural" happiness. You get laid off, and end up realizing that job was the absolute pits and are 1,000 times more fulfilled in your next job. Your crush accumulates a dozen DUIs and you're so grateful to have dodged a bullet. You never get a publishing deal, but end up moving to a new town on the recommendation of your literary agent and starting a new, better life. These events are ones in which you've created synthetic happiness. 

Our society tends to see natural happiness as being somehow superior, but the wives of wounded warriors will tell you otherwise. Many of these women have experienced post-traumatic growth (PTG), a process that proves recovering from disaster may bring unexpected gifts. In the wake of the traumas they've weathered with their injured spouses, they discover new strengths and a deepened sense of purpose. They feel open to new experiences, their relationships improve, and their personal weaknesses transform into strengths. The paradox of loss is that sometimes a great deal can be gained.

The women who have attended past SPA Day gatherings have told me about how new traits—including compassion, advocacy, and empathy—bloomed within them, and swapped stories about how passion and humor had come to their rescue in some situations. All of these qualities can develop as part of PTG. With all of the information-seeking these women must do to ensure their husbands get the care and treatment they deserve, they learn to be extroverted and charismatic. Wounded warriors are often unwilling to ask for help out of stubborn pride, so their spouses must step up, getting what their families need using a combination of determination and charm. As the old adage goes, “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” These women—who have learned how to be diplomatic but persistent, friendly but unyielding—are living proof that the adage is true.

It may seem like cheating to "make" your own happiness, but in many cases it's a survival tactic. What's more, it's an absolute gift. Knowing that it's within your power to see silver linings, draw growth from trauma, generate happiness using nothing but your own amazing human brain? It's more than a gift, it's a miracle. 

Dr. Wayne W. Dyer said, "You are the product of what you choose for yourself in every life situation. You do have the capacity to make healthy choices for yourself by changing your attitude to one of creative aliveness. By being ever alert for turning adversity around, by improving your attitudes and expectations for yourself, and by fearlessly implementing risk-taking alternatives, you’ll soon be gratified by the way your life can take a turn for the better. Be fully alive while you’re here on this planet; you’ll have an eternity to experience the opposite after you leave." 

It is within our power to create happiness today and every day. So the next time you find yourself staring down a massive dark cloud, just wait. A silver lining will peek through in time.